throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
