Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
