I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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