just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
