I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize