I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
