I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Is Oprah even human
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
