My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
