It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?