a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
