i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
