There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
