Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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