I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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