I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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