The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
