It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
