My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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