these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
