also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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