woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
