I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
