Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
