So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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