The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
