You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
