This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
