We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
