No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
