Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think my tv is drunk
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Two words: nipple clamps
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