arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
