you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
