I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
