your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
