There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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