how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
