I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
