How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
