Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
