ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think I just sharted jello shots
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