I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
