The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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