Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My vagina just recognized that song.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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