I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
