Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
