Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
