He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Why is your signature on my underwear?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
