and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
