And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
