Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
