there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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