Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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