I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
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I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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