Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
