put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
