Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I supernannyed him into submission
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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