literally had 100 drinks last night.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
