so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
